The Official 9-11 Story

By James Corbett March 10th, 2012

In any logical universe, the greatest defense that we have would be to show that the purveyors of the official conspiracy theories of record are in fact the purveyors of the craziest conspiracy theories of them all.

On the morning of September 11th, 2001, 19 men armed with box cutters directed by a man on dialysis in a cave fortress halfway around the world using a satellite phone and a laptop directed the most sophisticated penetration of the most heavily defended airspace in the world, overpowering the passengers and the military combat trained pilots on four commercial aircraft before flying those planes wildly off course for over an hour without being molested by a single fighter intercepter. These 19 hijackers, devout religious fundamentalists who like to drink alcohol, snort cocaine and live with pink haired strippers managed to knock down three buildings with two planes in New York, while in Washington a pilot who couldn’t handle a single engine Cessna was able to fly a 757 at an 8000 foot descending 270° corkscrew turn to come exactly level with the ground hitting the Pentagon in the budget analyst office where DOD staffers were working on the mystery of the $2.3 trillion the defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld had announced missing from the Pentagon coffers in a press conference the day before, on September 10th, 2001.

Luckily, the news anchors knew who did it within minutes “Osama bin Laden”, the pundits knew within hours “Osama bin Laden”, the administration knew within the day “terrorists who committed these acts and those two harbor them” (Bush), and the evidence literally fell into the FBI’s lap “the hijackers passport was found blocks from the World Trade Center crash if you can believe that” (news reporter).

But for some reason a bunch of crazy conspiracy theorists demanded an investigation into the greatest attack on American soil in history. That investigation was delayed, underfunded, set up to fail, a conflict of interest, and a cover-up from start to finish. It was based on testimony extracted through torture, the records of which, were destroyed, it failed to mention the existence of WTC seven, Able Danger, Ptech, Sibel Edmonds, OBL and the CIA, and the drills of hijacked aircraft being flown into buildings that were being simulated at the precise same time that those events were actually happening. It was lied to by the Pentagon, the CIA, the Bush administration, and as for Bush and Cheney, well no one knows what they told it because they testified in secret, off the record, not under oath, and behind closed doors.

It didn’t bother to look at who funded the attacks, because that question is ultimately of little practical significance. Still the 9/11 commission did brilliantly answering all of the questions the public had, (except most of the victim’s family member’s questions) and pin blame on all the people responsible, although no one so much as lost their job, determining the attacks were a “failure of imagination” because “nobody in our government at least, and I don’t think the prior government could envision flying airplanes in buildings” (G. Bush), except the Pentagon, FEMA, NORAD, and the NRO.The DIA destroyed 2.5 TB of data on Able Danger, but that’s OK because it probably wasn’t important… the FCC destroyed the records on the investigation into the insider trading before the attacks, but that’s OK because destroying the records of the largest investigation in FCC history is just part of routine record keeping. NIST has classified the data that they used for their model of WTC7’s collapse, but that’s OK because knowing how they made their model of the collapse would jeopardize public safety. The FBI has argued that all material related to their investigation of 9/11 should be kept secret from the public, but that’s OK because the FBI probably has nothing to hide.

Osama bin Laden lived in a cave fortress in the hills of Afghanistan but somehow got away, then he was hiding out in Tora Bora, but somehow got away, then he lived in Abbottabad for years taunting the most comprehensive intelligence dragnet, employing the most sophisticated technology in the history of the world for a decade, releasing video after video with complete impunity and getting younger and younger as he did so, before finally being found in a daring seal team raid which wasn’t recorded on video, in which he didn’t resist or use his wife as a human shield and in which these special force operators panicked and killed this unarmed man, supposedly the best source of intelligence about those dastardly terrorists on the entire planet, then they dumped his body in the ocean before telling anyone about it. Then a couple dozen of that team’s members died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

This is the story of 9/11 brought to you by the mainstream media. If you have any questions about this story, you are a batshit, paranoid, dog abusing, baby hater and will be reviled by everyone. If you love your country, and our freedom, and happiness, rainbows, rock ‘n’ roll, puppy dogs, apple pie, and your grandma, you will never, ever express doubts about any part of the story to anyone. Ever.

This has been a public service announcement by the friends of the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, FCC, MSN, the White House, NIST, and the 9/11 commission.

Because ignorance is strength…

But whoever said this was a logical world… after all

One comment

  1. Good summary. Probably the best I’ve seen. Building 7 ignorance has always fascinated me. It catches fire and collapses all by itself. When I mention building 7, the blank looks continue to amaze me. But hey, we’ve got Dancing with the Stars and Americas got talent.
    This country deserves what is coming. I’m just sorry to have to endure it with all the idiots.

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